Begin with you
You know the thing on planes about putting on your own oxygen mask before you help anyone else with theirs? There’s a good reason for that, because the more you have in the tank, the better placed you are to show up for someone else.
You may or may not have the time, energy, and mental/emotional space to give support (this is called your capacity to be there). So before jumping in, get a read on where you’re at, prioritise your own wellbeing, and be clear about what is and isn’t your role in a big chat.
Check in
Knowing where you’re at helps you bring the best version of yourself to the chat and get the timing right. So first off, take a moment to check in with yourself:
- “What are my energy levels like?”
- “How am I feeling rn?”
- “What thoughts are popping up?”
- “How is my mood atm?”
- “When’s the last time I did something for myself?”
Try not to place any judgement on your answers. It’s normal to feel anxious or nervous – this shows it’s important to you (which is a good thing). It’s also all good to feel confident or be looking forward to the chat, or even just to realise you need a feed!
If you’re feeling good, you can jump in knowing you’ve got a solid base. But if your energy levels are low, your mood is a bit ‘off’ and it’s been a while since you took some time out for yourself, it may be that you aren’t quite ready to have a big chat just yet. You may feel some guilt here, but being self-aware and knowing when you’re not ready is a real strength. Go easy on yourself, knowing you can come back another time, or tap someone else in to check in with the person you’re thinking of.
Look after yourself
Big chats can be a bit more heavy than other everyday kōrero/conversations, and sometimes, they can have an impact on your own wellbeing. This might be because it sucks to hear how much someone you care about is struggling, or because when they cry, it makes you cry, too.
Looking after yourself is a core skill to be both calm and present in the chat and able to support other people for the long haul without burning yourself out. When you balance taking care of yourself while also supporting the other person, you’ll come out feeling better on the other side.
So take some time to do things for yourself that feel good. Even doing one small thing will mean you have more in the tank before the chat:
Is your stomach rumbling?
Grab a snack or make a feed
Feeling shattered?
Rest up
A bit all over the place?
Try something grounding, like karakia or deep breathing
It’s important to note that looking after yourself goes beyond big chats and is an important skill. Investing time into yourself allows you to show up as the best version of yourself in all different parts of life.
Being there for someone who is thinking of ending their life can be extra challenging. Here it’s important that you take extra steps to look after yourself, because of how heavy this can be. You also need to make sure you don’t try to hold this alone. Connecting them with professional support is a key step in supporting them safely. More info about this on the chats about suicide page and also in getting professional help.
Know your role
Another key part of looking after yourself is to be clear on what your role is in this chat. This helps you stay where you can be most supportive and helps you not head off into territory that needs professional training, or that takes the power out of the hands of the other person.
In a big chat, the person you’re supporting is leading: the keys are in their hands, and they’re driving. Your role is as a supporter. This means you’re right there next to them in the passenger seat. You can definitely help them navigate, but they’re the one with their hands on the steering wheel.
They’re making the important decisions about where to turn (how much they want to chat, what next steps to take etc.). You can listen and you can empathise, but let them lead the decision-making. You have the best chance of being genuinely helpful when you recognise that they know what’s best for them. This is helpful because you prioritise their wellbeing and offer space where they feel valued and heard.
As a supporter, you also need to recognise when you’re getting close to the limits of your role. You don’t have to hold this alone, especially not the bigger or more complicated chats. Be real and consider whether it’s feeling a bit too heavy to hold on your own, and link in with whānau, friends, or others you trust to help you. It’s better to share with someone else than not (as long as it’s with the purpose of getting support, rather than to gossip or spill the tea).
Your role
- being alongside them, with them in the lead
- helping them brainstorm next steps
- knowing where your limits are
- recognising you don’t need to know everything
- linking in others when needed
- helping them make the decisions that they want to
- helping them find resources and support, including from friends, whānau, and/or professionals
Not your role
- taking over and trying to fix it
- telling them what next steps they should take
- being professional therapists
- having all the answers
- holding it alone
- being confident you know what’s best for them
- diagnosing mental illnesses
A trap that we’re at risk of falling into is playing the role of the ‘rescuer’. This is where we feel like we have to help other people in order to feel good about ourselves. We want to avoid this dynamic, because ultimately it’s not sustainable and doesn’t result in a good outcome for anyone. More info in this here.
Be real
In a big chat, the best thing you can do is be who you are. This means showing up to the chat as a real, genuine person, instead of feeling like you need to be anyone else (and you don’t have to suddenly become a therapist!). This could look like:
- Not knowing what to say
- Stumbling over your words
- Laughing together
- Or even crying together
People usually respond well to real reactions. For example, if they share something heavy and you genuinely don’t know what to say, saying ‘woah that’s full on, I’m not sure what to say’ can be a really validating response. It tells them what they’re going through is so big that it makes you have to stop and think about what to say next.
There are examples of things you could say throughout this site. Please make these your own, use words that feel like things you’d actually say.
Also, you already have a relationship with this person, whether it’s a friend, flatmate, partner, colleague, or someone in your whānau. Those are awesome grounds to build off, because there’s already trust and care there which are key to people feeling safe enough to open up.
Recognise that you already have what it takes. It’s highly likely that you have some or many of the skills we’ll talk more about – trust yourself. Often the most powerful support you can give them is just showing up so they know they aren’t alone.
Summary:
Take some time to check in with how you’re doing and make sure you’re looking after yourself as a supporter. Remember your role – they’re driving, you’re in the passenger seat. Back yourself and trust in your skills!
FAQs
What’s the point of looking after myself, I thought having big chats is all about looking after them?
This question deserves a classic yeah nah answer.
‘Yeah’ – our goal is to support the other person, but ‘Nah’ because you need to look after yourself first in order to do so. Not looking after yourself before a big chat would be like eating weetbix without milk. You’d never have it without milk, just as you would never have a big chat without self-care!
This is a lot, I feel out of my depth...
It’s totally normal to feel out of your depth, especially at first. Hopefully here at Big Chats we can help to build your confidence by providing some information to help you navigate a big chat. If you still feel like you need more support after working through this, think about another trusted person that you could get help from or even pass this on to (especially trained mental health professionals – more on this in create a plan). Remember to trust your instincts! It’s your call on how much you can take on, and choosing not to is valid.
I’ve been through hard stuff too. What if my stuff gets triggered?
There will be topics for all of us that feel more sensitive than others because of our own life experiences. Consider in these cases if you are able to support someone else in this, or if these spots are still too sore for someone else to lean on them. Say for example, if you recently lost a loved one and are grieving, it would be a big ask for you to support someone else through a similar loss. You would likely find a lot of your own feelings surfacing, making it harder to be present for the other person. (As time passes, having similar experiences can be a powerful way to connect, but in those early days it can be a big ask.)
In the same way, if you share a community or identity with the person you’re supporting, that can make things feel closer to home. For example, if you’re supporting someone experiencing discrimination because of their identity, and you’ve also experienced this same discrimination, your own experiences might bubble up, too.
Knowing what topics are harder to talk about than others is a way to try to keep yourself emotionally safe. This knowledge helps you to avoid feeling caught off guard, be overwhelmed, or feel too vulnerable. So how do you know what your own tender spots might be? If you have been through a traumatic or significant emotional experience, or if you have ongoing problems, conflicts, or mental health challenges, these are the types of things that might feel more tricky to be there for someone with. Like bruises, they’re not all the way healed yet and will hurt if they’re bumped into, they need extra awareness and care.
If you do find yourself triggered in or by a big chat, you can name this, and make sure you make a solid plan to connect with your own supports.
They just jumped straight into the chat and I didn’t have time to think about myself first?!
Sometimes these big chats can just come out of nowhere. You might not have been braced for the weight of what just hit you! Sometimes you can roll with it, and equally sometimes you can end up feeling a bit knocked off your feet (this is normal if you haven’t been prepared or had a heads up about it). Let them know where you’re at and set a time together to come back to this chat with them when you are more ready to have it.