Hold Space
‘Holding space’ is a bit of therapy-jargon, but it just means being fully in the moment with someone and saying “I got you, I’m here, what’s happening?”
It can look like:
- Allowing them to vent and let it all out without interrupting or shutting them down
- Letting them explain something messy and emotional, talking through it at their own pace
- Asking them “What do you want to get out of this chat?” This makes sure they are in the driver’s seat and going at their own pace.
It’s about protecting the chat from being derailed, like by distractions, interruptions, judgements, other stuff happening, and showing them that they’re worth your time.
Pause distractions
A quick win: one of the best ways of showing someone that what they’re saying is important is to focus fully on them. To do this, put on pause any distractions that could interrupt the flow of the chat.
Think:
- Choosing a chill space where other people won’t wander in and overhear
- Make an effort to put phones and laptops away, TV off etc.
- Putting pause on the mental to-do list
If you’re not able to control the distractions where you are, you could acknowledge this and ask if they want to move or come back to the chat. Otherwise, just do the best you can in that setting.
Park judgement
Often in big chats, we go into a place together where we’re talking about personal or messy stuff. It’s your job to help them feel safe here. That means parking any judgements that come up so that they don’t feel judged or shamed for what they’re saying, and instead feel comfortable and heard.
Throwing out judgement calls about something (especially when you don’t know the full story) will probably derail the chat, make the other person feel stink, and shrink their courage to open up. Think: you mention you’re super stressed out at work, and your Auntie pipes up with, “Oh don’t be ridiculous, you lot don’t even know what hard work is these days!” Cheers Auntie. Nothing like being shut down to really lift the mood.
Parking judgement can be tough at times, especially when you disagree with something they’re saying. To be non-judgemental, you don’t have to agree with them or 100% get it. But you do need to respond in a way where they feel respected, not judged or shut down.
Judgement can sound like:
Man, I’m shattered.
Why?! You’ve done nothing all week.
I’ve just been thinking about her a lot lately.
Why are you still upset? It happened ages ago, you need to move on.
This is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?
Pretty jarring, hey.
Instead, try on their shoes for size and try to understand the world from their point of view. We all come from different places, with different life experiences. They have reasons for thinking the way they do, and it’s your role to be along for the ride, even if you don’t see things in the same way.
If any judgey thoughts pops up (“how come they’re exhausted? They haven’t done anything all week!”), you don’t have to say it out loud. Parking judgement is about pressing pause on the urge to voice that, and choosing to stay open instead.
Parking judgement can sound like:
Man, I’m shattered.
Sounds like things have been full on, what's been going on?
I’ve just been thinking about her a lot lately.
That makes sense, given everything that’s happened.
This is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
I'm sorry you feel like that, sounds bloody tough mate.
Be real 2.0
Back in begin with you, we talked about bringing our real selves into the chat. Let’s go a step deeper: how does that look when holding space for someone?
It means showing up as who you are. You don’t need to plan the perfect response or talk like a therapist. Be yourself! When someone shares something hard or emotional, it’s okay (actually, it’s awesome) to let your natural reaction show. Maybe you feel shocked by what they’re talking about, or sad, or like you don’t know what to say. That’s all real, and that’s okay.
Being real could sound something like:
When you’re being real and genuine, often people find it validating to see that what they’ve told you has moved you in some way. And if you have to pause and take a second to think about what to say next, it could also give them a moment to breathe and think things through, too.
Some ideas of what to say when you don’t know what to say:
If your real reaction feels intense (because some chats can hit hard), make sure you take care of yourself, too (more on that in back to you).
Being real doesn’t mean making it about you, it just means showing up as yourself with real, human responses.
You don't have to fix it
When someone opens up, it’s natural to want to help, especially if they’re hurting. You might want to give out advice, or try to solve things straight away. That urge to jump in and fix things is called the righting reflex.
This can sound like:
- “You should…”
- “What I’d do is…”
- “Have you tried…?”
While this is normal, it’s often unhelpful. When you go straight to trying to fix it before hearing them out fully, you can accidentally shut the chat down. It can feel like you don’t really get it, or even like you’re saying they’re broken and need fixing. Most of the time, they’ve already thought about the obvious stuff, and the things you suggest might work for you but not for them. What they might not have had is someone to really listen while they figure things out.
It can be challenging not to jump in and ‘fix’ things (and sometimes people aren’t even aware they’re doing it). But being there and listening without taking over can actually be way more empowering, because it shows you trust that they’ve got this. You’re giving the other person space to think it through for themselves. They’re the expert on their own life, so they’re best placed to know what will and won’t work for them (and maybe they already have some ideas that you can help pull out).
Of course, if they do want ideas, that’s cool too – just ask first. Try something like: “Would it help to talk through some ideas, or do you want me to just listen right now?” But holding space so they can find their own way forward can be one of the most powerful ways to support them.
Things to avoid
What holding space isn’t (even if you do these things with the best intentions):
Jumping in with advice straight away
Remember, you don’t have to fix it.
Making their experience sound smaller
“At least it’s not as bad as…”
Reminding them it could have been worse is pretty unhelpful when they’re already feeling stink.
Over-identifying with them
“That EXACT same thing happened to me, I know EXACTLY how you feel“
You’re two different people, their experience might not be the same as yours.
Changing the subject when it gets deep
“Anyway, how’s work?”
It’s okay not to know what to say. Try pushing through the uncomfortable stuff and see what happens.
Telling them it’ll be OK before you’ve heard them out
“Don’t worry, everything will be fine!”
Forcing a positive out of something difficult means we’re prioritising our comfort over their reality. We’ll say it again: we’re prioritising our comfort over their reality. This sends the signal that you’re not OK with their pain (ouch). Don’t gloss over the heavy stuff, instead challenge yourself to sit with them in it first.
Summary
When you hold space well, it can make it easier for someone to open up and process what’s going on for them, big or small. It can help them feel less alone with what’s happening for them, even when what they’re saying feels big, messy, or tough to say out loud.
FAQs
What do I do if they get emotional?
It can be hard to see someone you care about distressed or upset. Remember emotions are normal, including big and difficult emotions, and it’s healthy to express these. Even though it can be challenging, the best thing you can do is to just be with them in whatever is going on, and give them space to feel what they need to feel (avoid ‘aw, don’t cry’ as this makes it sound like it’s not OK to be upset). If they apologise for crying, remind them it’s all good to be sad, and try not to make a big deal out of it.
...and what do I do if I get emotional?
Seeing someone you care about hurting or upset can really bring you down. Don’t feel as though you have to mask your feelings and pretend to be ok just for their sake. If being sad is like sitting in a pit, expressing a normal human reaction like crying can show them that you are climbing down into the pit to sit alongside them in their hurt, rather than sitting on the edge and dangling your feet over the edge above them. Remember – be your real self, and then prioritise looking after yourself to make sure you fill up your cup after a heavy chat.
How do I know if I am saying too much and not giving them enough space to share?
A good gauge is to think of the 80/20 rule. If a chat is like a game of tennis, ideally the ball would be on their side of the court about 80% of the time. This means that most of the time, they’re talking. Then your 20% is to hold the space by encouraging them to continue, saying things like “I really appreciate you telling me that bro, that took a lot of strength for you to do,” or paraphrasing, or asking open questions (more on those in the next section). If you notice yourself sharing lots of your own thoughts or stories so that the spotlight is off them, then good catch, throw the ball back to them so they can talk again.
I’m trying to be non-judgmental but I don’t agree with them. What do I do?
What they are saying might make you want to blurt out just how wrong they are SO BAD that you feel like you might explode, but stay in there!
Doing this will lose the space you are holding for this person and likely make them not want to open up any further. Or even worse, feel embarrassed for trusting you with this chat in the first place. When someone is opening up, it’s important to remember that you can still support them without having to agree with them. You can still say ‘I understand that you think that’, which is different to ‘I agree, I’d be thinking that too in your shoes’.
This may be extra clear if the person you are supporting has different values to you. It doesn’t mean they are wrong – they may have just had different experiences to yours, which has led them to have those different beliefs. Your most important job is to validate how they’re feeling, not argue about whether that’s the way they should be feeling that way. Remember, they’re in the driver’s seat, you’re in the passenger’s seat.
The only exception to this is if their safety is at stake, like in an abusive situation. At this point, communicate your concern, listen to what they share, and create a plan of next steps that prioritises their safety (more in create a plan).
Should I give them a hug or should all physical contact be avoided?
It depends. Think about the dynamic you already have, is physical touch like a hug or hongi something that is already a part of this relationship? For example, if putting your hand on their shoulder feels a little strange, then don’t force it. It’s always worth asking them first: “do you want a hug?” or “is it OK if i put my arm around you?” This gives them the chance to decide whether they feel like this will be comforting for them in the moment or not.