Open the chat
Opening a big chat and inviting someone to talk is a huge way of showing up for another person. It’s normal to feel nervous or unsure – pushing through takes courage, and we’re here to help.
When we say open the chat, what we mean is you’re inviting someone to talk. It’s their call whether or not they want to join or not (remember they’re in the driver’s seat). Sometimes, you don’t even need to do the opening – the other person might have started the big chat themselves. Awesome!
A quick note: Everyone brings culture into chats, not just ethnicity, but whānau/family, faith, gender, sexuality, disability, class, rural/urban life, generational culture, and the communities we belong to. Culture can shape how people show distress (or not!), what support feels safe, who they turn to, whether they want advice, whether they want silence, whether they want kai, prayer, karakia, space, humour, or practical help. So as you use Big Chats, take what fits, adapt what doesn’t, and stay open to hearing about what support looks like for the person in front of you.
Spot the signs
Big Chats are about creating safe, open conversations that support people during tough times. So, first you have to notice that someone could be in a tough spot. How do you do this?
There are signs to look out for. These range from clear signs (e.g., they tell you, or you can see them looking down), to things less easy to pick up on (e.g., struggling with everyday tasks, pushing pause on some of their hobbies). All of us respond a bit differently when going through hard stuff, and keep this in mind especially if you’re supporting someone from a different background to your own. Maybe you’ve just noticed they’re not themselves. Maybe it’s a gut feeling you have. Trust this.
We’ve put together a list of some common signs. Please note, this list isn’t a checklist, and shouldn’t be used to try to diagnose someone.
Someone tells you directly
- e.g., “I’m super anxious at the moment”
Something big/important has happened
- e.g., A break-up, a death of a loved one etc.
Struggles with everyday life, work, or study
- Finding it difficult to do day-to-day tasks they didn’t usually find difficult
- Not doing as well in school/work/uni, or an increase in unexplained time off
- Having difficulties in relationships with friends, co-workers etc.
Sleep, appetite, and other physical changes
- Big changes in sleeping or eating patterns, e.g., sleeping much more or much less than usual
- Feeling tired and low energy no matter how much sleep they got
- Paying less attention to personal appearance and hygiene e.g., showering less
- Getting sick more often e.g., headaches, stomach aches
Mood changes
- Experiencing big mood swings, e.g., going from sad to excited very quickly
- Having unusually big reactions
- Being easily annoyed or angry, having a short temper
- Worrying a lot, seeming very stressed
Low mood
- Seeming sad, depressed, or flat
- Talking in a way that sounds hopeless, e.g., “what’s the point?”
- Crying, sometimes without knowing why
- Not feeling any joy, pleasure, or happiness in life
- Being very self-critical or negative towards themselves; feeling worthless or extremely guilty
Losing interest and withdrawing
- Cancelling plans, not showing up, pulling away from friends
- Losing interest in others and in hobbies and things they used to enjoy e.g., quitting sports
Problems with thinking
- Problems with concentration or memory, e.g., forgetting things more often than usual
- Seeming distracted, unusually quiet, or very in their own head
- Experiencing racing thoughts or agitation
- Having too much energy, having trouble concentrating or following through on plans
Seeming out of touch with reality
- Behaving strangely, or in a way that is very different to their usual self
- Seeming disconnected from themselves or their surroundings
- Hearing voices or seeing things that other people don’t hear or see (in a way that is not common for their culture)
- Having unusual or over-the-top beliefs about having powers over people and events
- Illogical or ‘magical’ thinking that you might expect to see in a child, but not an adult
Being on edge
- Being overly suspicious of other people, or believing others are plotting against them
- Seeming very scared, nervous, anxious, or panicky
Increased sensitivity
- Being more sensitive than usual to sights, sounds, smells or touch
- Avoiding over-stimulating situations (only when this is not normal for them, e.g., it is common for some neurodivergent people to avoid over-stimulating situations)
Taking more risks than they usually would
- e.g., when driving, or with substance use
This list has been extended and adapted from resources by the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association.
It’s not always easy to spot these signs and notice someone could be struggling. Changes can happen slowly over time, and sometimes people don’t show clearly what’s happening inside. If you’re unsure, there’s no harm in asking.
Important:
Pick up their hints
Sometimes instead of telling you directly they’re not ok, people test the waters by dropping little hints. These are clues in everyday chats that could mean there are deeper struggles going on.
This can be a way of sussing out how you react, which helps them figure out whether it feels OK to share more. If you are open to talking, it could show you’re a safe person to open up more to.
Listen out for things like “I’m just tired,” or “things have been tough.” Then to show you’ve picked up the hint, and see if they want to go a bit deeper, you could ask an open-ended question like in the examples below.
Again, trust your gut. Did something they say make you stop and wonder if there’s something bigger going on? If you are unsure, you could try checking in with some of their whānau or friends to see if they have noticed anything, too.
Here are some examples:
I’m just tired, aye.
Yeah, I get that. What’s been making you feel tired?
All good, just busy as, it’s pretty flat out with everything at the moment.
Fair enough, how are you doing juggling it all?
I just can’t be bothered doing anything these days.
For real? How come?
Just got to get through this week then I’ll be sweet.
What’s on the cards for this week?
I don’t really feel like myself at the moment.
What’s been feeling different lately?
I don’t think I’m dealing with things that well.
That sounds tough. What’s been hard to deal with?
Choose your moment
To set yourself up for things to go as well as they can, choose your moment for the chat. Do this by thinking of two things: time and place.
Time
Having a big chat can take a decent amount of time, and it can also span over days or weeks (especially if over messages). Make sure that you can see it through before opening it up, and try to carve out space so nobody feels rushed or distracted. Is the timing right for them to feel open and comfortable? Have you both got a decent chunk of time before you have to head off to the next thing? If you’re dipping into and out of it on a message thread, have you let them know any times you’re not contactable?
If you only have a short chunk of time, but it feels like a good opportunity to open the chat, it’s best to communicate this clearly. Something like “hey, I’ve got to head to work in half an hour, but before I go I wanted to check in. How are you doing?” This means you’re both on the same page about how long you’ve got and it’s an anchor to come back to if you need to give them a heads up later that things need to wrap up (for now) in a few minutes.
Or, “hey, I’d love to catch up with you. I have class in 15mins, can we make a time after that for a coffee/walk?” or flick them a message to plan another time in the future when you’ve got more space.
Place
If the chat is going to be in person (vs. message/call/voicenote etc.), we need to think about the actual location we’re in. We want the space to be:
- Comfy
- Private
- Quiet
- Somewhere that they feel relaxed
- Free from distractions
Where is a place that you know they feel comfortable? Is there a place like a uni campus, a quiet local café, or a park that you could go to together?
Two bonus tips from the pros:
1. Lots of people find it easier to open up if there’s also an activity involved. Anything from going for walk, in the car, throwing a ball around, or sitting making art together. This can take the pressure off the chat as it’s not the only thing happening, so you could have a think about whether this is something that might work for you.
2. If it fits, also have a think about where you’re sitting or standing in relation to them. It’s much easier to feel relaxed if you’re next to, or at a 90 degree angle to each other (less pressure) vs. directly across from each other (think job interview). Facing someone directly carries more of an expectation of keeping up eye contact (which can be tricky especially when talking about big stuff), but being side-by-side drops the intensity and naturally feels more relaxed.
How to open the chat
So, all the prep is done, and you’re here. What do you actually say to open things up and invite them to share more about how they’re doing?
When you invite someone to have a big chat, try to go beyond ‘how are you?’ Because our reflex to this question is usually to answer ‘good thanks, you?’ but here we want to go a bit deeper. There are lots of ways that you can go about this, and you probably already know and use a few of these.
One of our favourite ways to open a big chat is to say what you’ve noticed, then add a question. This shows that you care enough about them to have paid attention and picked up on something that’s stood out, and then invites them to dig into it if they want. It might look something like this.
Have a go yourself here:
Things to avoid
When you’re opening a big chat, the goal is to help someone feel safe, seen, and supported. But sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can accidentally put pressure on the other person or make them feel judged which can stop the chat before it even starts.
Here are a few things to watch out for:
Pushing if they’re not ready
Although you might ask a couple of times in a couple of different ways to nudge the chat, don’t force them to go somewhere they don’t want to. Coming in too hot can make someone feel ambushed.
This can sound like:
- “Just tell me what’s wrong!”
- “I really don’t think you should bottle it up, it’s not healthy.”
- “Why won’t you talk about it? I need to know what’s going on.”
Encouraging someone to talk is powerful, but only if they feel like they’re in control. Keep it gentle and give them space to choose whether they want to open up. If they don’t want to talk right now, let them know that’s OK and you’re still here for them if they want to chat at some other time.
Telling them that they’re not OK, or being judgemental
Even if you’re pretty sure someone’s not doing great, saying things like “I can see you’re not OK,” or “You’ve been acting weird – what’s going on?” can feel pretty full-on. It might come across as judgy or like you’ve already decided something’s wrong, which can make people feel self-conscious and shut down.
Instead of telling them how they’re feeling (we don’t really know how they are, that’s why we’re asking), try staying curious and open.
Bringing up what other people think
It can be confronting to hear that others have been talking about you, even if it comes from a caring place. Saying things like “Everyone in the group has noticed something’s off,” or “Our mates reckon you’ve been acting different” can feel like a pile-on. Instead, stick to what you’ve noticed yourself. It’s more personal and more likely to invite an open chat.
Summary
You’ve learned how to spot the signs and pick up on hints, have had a think about choosing your moment, and have some more ideas up your sleeve for how to open a big chat. No matter what happens next, you reaching out is huge! It doesn’t have to be perfect – the important thing is reaching out and letting them know you’re there for them.
FAQs
Do I even need to have this chat? Surely someone else will be checking in on them. Am I just being nosy?
Sure, it’s possible that someone else will be checking in, but it’s also just as possible that no one will be. The more options for support they have the better, so it’s still worth reaching out – there’s no harm done, and it shows you care about them (which is pretty powerful, especially for someone in a tough space).
What if they say they are actually all good, or don’t want to talk?
If you know this person well, chances are your gut might be onto something, but this isn’t always right! Maybe they are all good, or having this chat just wasn’t something they were expecting. If so, that’s fine. Checking in won’t ever make things worse, it shows you care and are up for making time for them.
They might not be keen to open up at that time. That’s all good – it’s an invitation and they’re in the driver’s seat, so go at their pace. Don’t force a chat if you can see it makes them super uncomfortable – you’ve offered to open up the door to a chat and they might come back to it later.
It’s just soooo awkward to bring this up with them that maybe it’s easier if we don’t talk about it at all?
Often times, the hardest part of having a big chat is starting it. It can feel a bit like ripping a band-aid off your uncle’s super hairy leg, you just don’t want to do it!
If you don’t know what to say, try typing out some opening lines that work best for you on the notes app of your phone or scribbling them down on a piece of paper. Afterwards have a go saying these in front of the mirror, or out loud in the car or on the way to the bus stop. We know this sounds dumb, but sometimes just practicing it first and getting it out there can help you work out what sounds best and what feels natural. Push through the awkward – chances are there’s gold on the other side.
I’m nervous! What if I say the wrong thing or make it worse? What if I don’t know what to say?
It’s so normal to feel nervous about this! It shows that you really care about them and what they’re going through. Also remember that our goal isn’t always to say the right thing, just being there is enough. It’s actually pretty likely that you won’t always know what to say, which is ok – checking in with someone is more about listening than talking.
What if they only open up to me when they’re drinking/high/stoned?
Drugs & alcohol can alter people’s headspaces, sometimes making them feel things more intensely (or numbing out completely), or making them feel less self-conscious so that they find it easier to open up. Although substances can crack open the door to a chat, it’s best to avoid going deep into a chat until everyone is sober. This is because things can seem much more intense, and a chat can leave them feeling more upset or more vulnerable if things escalate quickly. You can still use the skills from the next few ingredients to listen well and offer a safe space, but it’s best to come back to things sober.
Then, acknowledge what they shared, or what you noticed, and let them know you’re here if they want to talk more. You might say something like: “I remember you shared some stuff with me last night that felt pretty heavy. Thanks for telling me, I want you to know I’m here for you and would love to talk it through.”