Listen
When someone opens up, listening fully to them can help to take a weight off. They might feel less alone, or start to see things more clearly just by saying them out loud. In a big chat, the goal is to go a bit deeper than everyday listening. You are listening to understand more about their situation and them as a person. Listen to their words, how they say things and even what they’re not saying.
Tune in to the full picture:
- If you’re in person, what’s their body language saying? Do they seem nervous or relaxed, shut down or fired up?
- If you’re on a call or voicenote, what’s their tone of voice telling you – do they sound angry, sad, tired, overwhelmed?
The aim is for the other person to feel respected and understood by you listening to them.
Validate their feelings
Sometimes in the thick of hard stuff, we fight with how we feel, thinking we shouldn’t feel like that, are being dramatic or weird, or overreacting. When you validate someone else’s feelings, it shows that it’s okay to be where they’re at. Hopefully they go: “phew, it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling,” and can see you get it.
To validate someone’s feelings, first listen for the feelings in their words (e.g., “I’m so tired”), or spot the feelings behind what they’re saying (e.g., “I’ve got no energy atm” = tired). Then reflect this back to them: “that sounds exhausting.”
Validating feelings can also go something like:
- “Sounds pretty overwhelming?”
- “It makes total sense you’d feel confused”
- “I’m hearing that things have been rough lately”
An easy go-to here is to start a sentence with “it sounds…” then add on a feelings word:
The feelings wheel (click here to open) can also be helpful to put a name to a feeling. This resource lists a bunch of emotions, starting broad at the centre and getting more specific towards the outside. This can act as a bit of a compass for checking in what you’re hearing or sensing in them.
Validating someone’s feelings helps people feel like how things are impacting them makes sense. It also reassures them that you really understand what they’re going through. This signals you are safe to open up to and makes them feel less alone, as you are someone that can help make sense of what is going on, even the messy stuff.
Looping back
When someone’s sharing something big, looping back helps show them you really understand what they’re saying. It just means repeating back the key bits of what they’ve told you, not word for word, but the overall message.
A good starting point is to loop back a few key words or feelings:
- “So it’s been a rough time lately?”
- “It’s just a lot right now?”
- “So there’s been a lot on your mind?”
As you get the hang of looping back, it might start to come more naturally, for example:
It’s also great to tack on a question afterwards to check that you’ve understood, like: “Have I got that right?” or “Is that kind of where you’re at?” If they correct you, count that as a win, because it means you’re understanding them even better – awesome.
Looping back is a pretty powerful tool to use, because it:
- Shows you’re listening and understanding
- Makes sure you’re both on the same page
- Pulls out key issues and focusses them down, which can let them dig deeper
- Gives them the chance to hear their own thoughts out loud which can help them see things more clearly
Asking questions
There are two different types of questions – open questions and closed questions:
Open Questions
- “What are you thinking of doing next?”
- Open the door to a fuller, more accurate answer
- Start with what, how, why, who, where, and when
- Come from wanting to understand, not assuming you already know
- Keep the chat open and flowing, with them in control taking the chat wherever they want it to go
Closed Questions
- “So are you going to quit your job?”
- Usually get a quick yes/no or one-word reply
- Start with things like do, is, are, did
- Can feel like you’re steering the chat or guessing what’s going on
- Can accidentally close things off and might miss the point
In a big chat, lean more towards asking open questions whenever you can – think about asking questions that ask them to describe what’s happening. Open questions don’t lead someone toward a specific answer like closed questions do. Instead, they leave the door open for the other person to reply however they like. These kinds of questions help the person take the chat wherever they want, plus they set you up to learn as much as possible about them and what’s going on.
For example, notice the difference in someone asking, “are you going to break up with them?” vs “what do you think you’ll do?” The first question makes it feel as though their only choice is to break up, while the second opens up the whole chat for options to be brainstormed.
It’s important to note that not every question needs to be open-ended, but if you can start asking a few more of these, you’ll give people more room to share openly.
Have a go and see if you can figure out a way of opening these closed questions below (tap on the tiles for a suggestion – there’s lots of ways you could open these questions up).
“Are you anxious about all the work stuff?”
“What impact is all the work stuff having on you?”
“Did you have a good day?”
“How’s your day been?”
“Are you excited to be pregnant?!”
“How are you feeling about the pregnancy?”
"Are you scared to come out to your family?"
"How are you feeling about coming out to your family?"
“So are you going to drop out of uni?”
“So what are you thinking about doing next?”
“Did you have a good time back home?”
“How’d it go back home?”
“Do you reckon you’ll go back to her?”
“Where’s your head at with it all right now?”
“Is it because you’re not sleeping enough?”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Do you think your boss has a grudge against you?”
“What’s the story with your boss?”
Using silence
(We promise it gets easier with practice)
Moments of silence in a big chat can at first feel awkward. But when you practice getting more comfortable with them, they’re gold.
If your chat is in person or over the phone, it’s tempting to feel like you always have to say something, or to jump in and fill any moments of silence to make it feel less uncomfortable. But leaving a wee pause lets them take the lead, gives them space to think, and figure out what they want to say next. They probably have a lot going through their mind and could use the space (and as a bonus, silence also gives you time to process, too).
Here’s the gold bit: often the most important stuff comes out in those quiet moments if you can wait long enough for it to arrive. When you use silence, you give them space to share anything that’s deeper, or that takes a bit more work to bring to the surface.
Try taking three slow breaths while you wait, or counting to 7 (you don’t need to sit in silence for long, just longer than them). You can still show you’re listening in the meantime through your body language, eye contact etc.
Things to avoid
Brushing it off because it feels too big or too messy
“You’re all good. Don’t overthink it.”
When someone’s being vulnerable, feeling brushed off can land hard. It can make them feel small, and like what they’re going through doesn’t matter. Instead, validate their feelings to show them you get it and it’s OK they feel that way.
Telling our own story instead of listening to theirs
“Oh yeah me too, one time I…”
Sometimes we share to relate, but make sure it’s not taking the spotlight away from them and making it about you instead.
Interrupting
No one likes being interrupted at the best of times, especially when they’re trying to talk about something big. If you do catch yourself interrupting, all good, you can say something like:
“Sorry, I cut you off, what were you saying before?”
Don’t be like this guy!
Summary
Validating feelings, looping back, asking questions and using silence helps you pick up on what’s really going on so that you understand them at a deeper level. Good listening can help someone feel respected, taken seriously, and a little more steady on their feet, and it’s a strong foundation to then plan next steps together.
FAQs
They've suddenly stopped the chat or completely changed the subject. Now what?
All good! Follow their flow, perhaps they are needing a break from talking. Don’t force information out of them, you can always check in again with them later.
I find it hard to stay focussed. I’m worried I might not be able to pay attention?
Valid concern – especially for people who are neurodivergent. You’re in the chat as yourself, without having to be a polished therapist.
A couple of tips: before the chat, write down anything that’s on top of your mind so that you can come back to it later (like a to-do list, or how you now have that perfect one-liner you wished you had last weekend). Often once we take time to acknowledge these things and know they won’t be forgotten, they take up less space in our heads. Sometimes having something to physically hold can help keep you anchored in the moment. Like a drink, or a pen, or something else not too noticable like wearing a piece of jewellery to fidget with.
And if you zone out for a second, all good, own it! And ask them to repeat what they said to get yourself back on track.
Can I tell them what I think? They’ve asked for my opinion.
The red flag with giving your opinion is if you jump in too quickly without hearing them out. But, if you’ve listened openly and held space for them, and they are asking you for your thoughts, you can definitely share these. Afterwards, ideally ask for their feedback on how your thoughts land: “what do you think of all that?”
How do I validate their feelings when I don’t get their reaction?
Validating feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person you are supporting. You’re simply acknowledging that what they are feeling is real for them in that moment. You don’t need to understand what they are going through to say things like, “what you are going through right now sounds really hard for you” or “I can imagine that’s difficult for you at the moment.” It’s normal not to get each other 100% of the time, we all respond to things differently, but you can still validate what’s happening for them.