Chats about Suicide

If you’re worried someone could be thinking of suicide, it’s time to have a big chat with them. Don’t wait for them to reach out to you – people who feel suicidal often feel alone, or that people would be better off without them. Reaching out, showing you care, and helping to connect them with support can make a big difference.

It’s important to acknowledge how scary this page can be. You might be staring at the title of this page like a possum in headlights, and that’s OK. Others might feel super comfortable with this topic and not bat an eyelid at the title. Everyone has their own journeys and histories. Even if this is the first time you have come across this topic, the encouraging part of dealing with suicide is that everyone can learn how to have conversations about it safely. Big chats is here to help guide you through this by following the specific steps below. You’ve got this!

This page is about supporting someone else who is suicidal. If it’s you who’s suicidal, to access support please click here.

1. Warning signs

There are a number of warning signs of suicide, some easy for another person to spot, others more difficult. At times there may be several warning signs present, sometimes there may be only one. Remember that not everyone who shows these signs is suicidal, but they are good reasons to check in and have a chat.  

Think about what you’ve seen, heard, or felt. What’s made you worry about them right now? 

Warning signs that someone may be thinking of suicide include: 

• Talking about suicide (directly or indirectly)
• Talking about death or dying often
• Suggesting they don’t belong or feel worthless, hopeless and like a burden
• Saying things that suggest they are saying goodbye or won’t be here in the future
• Giving things away, rehoming pets without a clear reason
• Withdrawing suddenly, not wanting to communicate or be around others
• Losing interest in things they used to enjoy
• Impulsive, reckless or dangerous behaviour
• Increasing use of drugs and/or alcohol
• Self-harm
• Writing suicide notes
• Increase in anger, aggression and/or violence
• Crying often
• Mood swings
• Sudden happy/improved mood after a low period
• Changes in sleep e.g. suddenly not sleeping, or sleeping much more than is usual

Trust your instincts and if you’re worried, follow the steps below.

2. Ask directly

It is a myth that asking if someone is thinking about suicide is more likely to put an idea in someone’s head. It’s important to acknowledge that feeling frightened by asking this is totally normal – your heart might start beating faster. Knowing that you are asking the question in the right way can help you start this chat with more confidence.  

The best way to ask the question is with a gentle and straight up approach.  

A basic formula you can use is: “I’ve noticed [state what you’ve seen/heard/felt]. + how it makes you feel for them [I’m worried/scared/concerned]  + a direct question [Are you thinking of killing yourself?”]. Try this below:

Things to avoid

• Don’t ask in a way that sounds like you’re hoping the answer is ‘no’. For example, ‘you aren’t thinking of hurting yourself, are you?’ This might accidentally lead them to answer ‘no’ but it’s important they feel free to answer honestly.  
• Avoid using words like “weird” or “crazy” (e.g. don’t say “you’re acting weird”) or suggestions that their problems aren’t as big as they think. Focus on what you’ve noticed, how you feel and asking directly if they’re thinking about suicide. 
• Avoid leading questions like: “you aren’t going to do something stupid, are you?” or even asking them if they’re going to ‘hurt’ or ‘harm’ themselves, because this is less clear. 

Next, the chat should follow the direction of the answer they give:

People’s risk can change quickly. Save this page in case you need to access it again in the future.

3. Hear them out

Once you’ve asked the question, listen to their answer without judging or interrupting them. Show them it’s safe to talk by using body language, words and actions to let them know you’re there and you care. Someone who is struggling or suicidal might sound angry, upset or say hurtful things about themselves, you or others. Try to stay calm and open. Wait until they’ve finished before you reply.  

First, thank them for telling you, for example: 

• “Thanks for trusting me to have this conversation”  
• “Thanks for telling me about this”
• “Thanks for letting me know how you have been feeling”

 Then listen fully to what they’re sharing. Don’t underestimate the power of just showing up and being with them while they talk. 

4. Get help

If they have made a plan to end their life, they need urgent help, click here to read ‘I need help now’ for more. They may be able to do this themselves. If so, it is a good idea to stay and support them while they do this. If they aren’t up to doing this themselves, you can make these next steps for them.

If it is safe to do so, remove anything they could use to hurt themselves, or get help from someone else to do this.

If they are feeling suicidal but do not have a plan right now, work with them to connect with the right support. This could include:

• A GP 
• A cultural or community leader (e.g. kaumatua, church leader, mentor) 
• Finding and making an appointment with a counsellor 
• Calling a helpline 
• Reconnecting with other supports they may have used in the past 
• Talking to trusted friends/whānau and making a safety plan  

See Getting Professional Help for more information on this.

While you are doing your best to help, it is normal to feel helpless when supporting someone that is suicidal. It’s important to know that you can’t ‘fix this’ or ‘save them’ all on your own. The best thing you can do is to keep being there and staying involved. Let them know you’ll be checking in again (e.g. tomorrow, in a week, every few days) and that you’re there for them.  

Don’t agree to keep this a secret or say you won’t tell anyone (add why). You could say: “I care about you too much to keep this to myself. Let’s get some extra support together.”

If they made a safety plan in the past, now might be the time to look at it together. If they didn’t, now is the right time to make one! Here is a great resource, there’s even an app version they can keep on their phone.

5. Looking for hope

Most people who are thinking about suicide are not certain they want to die. They’re caught between wanting the pain to stop and wanting things to be different — and that ambivalence, that pull in both directions, is actually something you can work with.  

There is almost always a part of them that wants to find a way through.  

Most people who are thinking about suicide are not 100% that they want to die, and there is almost always a part of the person that wants to find a way through and to live. One of the most powerful things you can do in this chat is to help them connect with that part. You don’t need to talk them out of how they’re feeling or force positivity, that won’t help. But you can ask questions that open the door to hope. Things like: 

• “What’s keeping you going?” 
• “Is there anything that makes things feel even a little bit worth it?” 
• “Who or what matters most to you right now?” 
• “Is there anything that feels like a reason to hold on right now?” 
• “What would things need to look like for life to feel worth living?” 
• “Who/what would you want to be around for, even on the hard days?” 

Without trying to make what they’re going through smaller, you may be able to help them see that there are reasons to stay (even if those reasons feel hard to see at first). Naming them gives you both a chance to focus on things that bring hope. 

6. Look after yourself

This is a really big chat to have. It can be super heavy to carry this worry and fear and to know someone you care for is suffering. Don’t forget to look after yourself before, during and after this conversation. 

This could look like: 

• Talking to a friend or counsellor 
• Practising some breathing exercises or other calming techniques to stay chill during the conversation 
• Planning something to look forward to after the kōrero (e.g. having your favourite kai, going for a walk, meeting whānau for dinner) 
• Doing something creative to express how you feel (journalling, making art or music) 
• Spending time in nature  

More on this in Back to You. And if at any time you’re feeling suicidal yourself, click here for support.

Things to avoid 

Making things sound hopeless

You may have heard stories of mental health services under pressure or know people who reached out for help and didn’t get it. This is not the time to talk about that. The one thing people who are suicidal all have in common is they feel hopeless. Think about what has helped you or others in the past and try to focus on these things.   

The phrase “committing suicide”

The word ‘commit’ can sound judgemental (we really only use it for criminal behaviours, like committing murder or theft!). Instead, say “ending your life” or “killing yourself” or even just “suicide”. 

Judging their feelings

Don’t argue about whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether their feelings are valid. Anyone in distress for any reason deserves support, help and care.