Create a Plan
Helping someone map out a way forward is one of the most powerful things you can do as a supporter. It can show them that things can shift, even if that feels tough to see right now.
This is often the stage of the chat people are keen to get to straight away, BUT it’s important we don’t push them into this. Jumping into this too fast can make the person feel as though their problem is just another thing we want to cross off our to-do list. A good way to check you haven’t rushed to this stage is to ask yourself: “Have I heard them out fully first?” By listening openly, you are more likely to have built trust. This may lead to the person sharing more information with you, which can then help you both to build a solid plan.
If they mention wanting to harm themselves or someone else, it’s important to get professional support involved as soon as possible. You don’t have to handle this alone (head to chats about suicide or I need help now for what to do here).
Professional help
Knowing when to suggest professional support and how to bring it up can be one of the trickier parts of a big chat. It takes self-awareness and strength to recognise that a chat has moved beyond what you can hold. Nudging someone towards professional help can feel like a big step, but it’s one of the most caring and helpful things you can do. Use these guidelines below on when, how, and who to seek professional help from so you can navigate this with confidence.
When do I bring it up?
There’s no one rule, but professional support is worth bringing up when:
- There’s risk to someone’s safety
- They’ve been struggling for a while and things aren’t getting better
- They’re finding everyday life things and looking after themselves day-to-day more challenging than usual
- They are dropping balls when they usually wouldn’t, like in work, relationships, looking after themselves etc.
- You’ve got a gut feeling something bigger might be going on, like a mental illness, addiction, or a physical health issue that needs professional care
- They’re missing out on things they care about, or used to enjoy, and can’t see a way back
- What you’re hearing is starting to feel too heavy for you to carry
If they’ve already been considering professional help (maybe they’ve already brought it up, or you learn about it when you ask about their ideas in the next step below), that’s a great sign. Let them steer the chat, you could say something like
How do I bring it up?
Remember, suggesting someone connects with professional help isn’t a criticism. It shows you’re taking what they’ve shared seriously and that you want them to get the best possible support. Mental health professionals have years of training and experience, and adding in this expertise gives them the best chance of getting a solid support plan.
Have a go at building your own way of bringing it up, or use it as inspiration to find your own words:
Who can help, and how do I connect them?
There are lots of different professionals who can help depending on what’s going on. Head to getting professional help for more information about who does what, what to expect, and how to get started.
Their ideas
The most impactful plans are the ones that the person has come up with themselves, and most people are more likely to follow through on things that are their own idea. So ask questions to get them thinking, like:
Their ideas are going to be realistic for their life, and asking to hear more about these is a big vote of confidence from you to them, which can go a long way. If they seem really stuck, then you can share your ideas, but ask if they want to hear them first.
You could also ask about their people. Who else in their life could be helpful to talk things through with? Who do they trust? Who always makes them laugh?
You could also ask about their toolkit. What has worked for them before, or helped them feel OK even in the thick of things (like maybe they know going for a run helps them chill out when they’re stressed)? A gem of a question is: “What’s one thing you can do for yourself today?”
These can all be helpful to draw on if they’re in a really difficult place again.
Practical help
When someone is having a hard time, everyday tasks can suddenly feel huge. Things that normally seem simple like cooking, replying to messages, or everyday chores can take more energy than they have. Even though these things might seem unrelated to what’s going on for them, they could still be in the background adding pressure. Offering to help out with practical tasks can be a really hands-on way to show that they aren’t alone and lighten the load they’re carrying, even just a little.
The key here is to be specific. Broad offers like “let me know if you need anything” are kind, but can be hard to take up. They might feel awkward asking, or maybe don’t have the energy to think about what would be helpful. Instead, try suggesting one or two concrete options and give them the chance to say yes, no, or suggest something else.
For example:
Remember to balance your offers with your other commitments and ask yourself what’s realistic for you to follow through with so that you don’t end up feeling overwhelmed yourself.
Looking for hope
When someone’s going through a tough time, they might feel stuck, overwhelmed, or like things will never change. Hope is like a light that we can shine to help people through dark or overwhelming times. It can ease some of that pressure by reminding them they have what it takes, and that heavy feelings don’t stay the same forever (even if it doesn’t feel that way right now).
Finding hope is not pretending things are fine when they’re not, or forcing positivity. Avoid saying things like: “everything will be fine,” or “just stay positive,” or “everything happens for a reason.” Even if you mean well, those comments can land as dismissive, like you’re brushing off what’s real for the other person. They lean towards toxic positivity and run the risk of making their issue feel like it’s not that important, which can make them feel more stink.
Instead, one way you can shine that light brighter is by reminding them of their strengths and experiences they may have lost sight of. These act as building blocks to build a picture of things looking more hopeful.
This works best when it’s genuine and specific to them. For example, you could mention:
A tough thing they’ve got through before
“You’ve handled tough stuff before, remember when you...”
Strengths you’ve noticed (even small ones)
“Even though things feel messy, I still see how much you care.”
The effort they’re already making just by showing up
“You reaching out shows how strong you are, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
You could also remind them that this moment isn’t permanent. When people are distressed, their world can shrink to right now. It can feel like things have always been this way and always will be. Without dismissing how intense it feels, you can gently widen the frame by looking back to remind them this moment isn’t permanent. For example: “It sounds like today has been super heavy. Do you remember a time it didn’t feel this intense?” You could also use this approach to look forward to inspire hope: “If you woke up tomorrow and the problem was gone, what’s one thing you’d notice that feels different?”
Lastly, creating a plan together in itself is maybe the most powerful way to find hope. You’re there with them, figuring it out together, finding a way through.
Planning one next step
Sometimes staring a giant problem in the face can be super overwhelming, especially when the person is really feeling it (when emotions are huge, our brains find it hard to think clearly). So breaking a task down into smaller chunks and sussing out the first step can help make things feel more achievable.
These need to be small enough to be doable, because big goals can add to the overwhelm. For example, if the goal is “get through tomorrow”, you can zoom right in to find the smaller steps. For example, asking “what time will you get up tomorrow?” or “what are you going to have for breakfast?” and ticking them off just one at a time to build those wins one by one. If someone is really distressed or overwhelmed, it can even be helpful to zoom right in and go hour by hour: “what do you need to get through the next couple of hours?” Over time, building smaller wins can have a snowball effect and lead to bigger wins.
You could ask something like:
Some examples of small steps could be:
Maybe it’s as simple as them getting some rest tonight, and agreeing that you’ll check in with them in the morning. Even one clear next step can bring a sense of relief and remind them they don’t have to carry everything all at once.
Keep checking in
Like a raincloud, the topics of our big chats may take some time to clear over, so a one and done doesn’t always do it justice. Being there for someone can often take many big chats over time, so after a chat, book in some time to check in again:
It’s better to ask and let them say yes or no than not asking at all. They could be waiting for you to reach out and could be worried about being too much of a burden, so instead, ask them if it’s OK to keep checking in on them.
Sometimes people can get a bit of a vulnerability hangover after a chat, where taking the lid off some emotional stuff can leave them feeling a bit wonky, even with you doing your best to support them. To help them feel more settled, you could follow up with a message like: “Thanks for telling me all that stuff yesterday, it was good to hear where you’ve been at. I’m here for you.” It may also be good to check in with them about when they don’t want to have big chats too. This keeps them in control and connected with the other parts of their life that they share with you without thinking that they always have to talk about the big stuff.
For longer-term support, keep on checking in. Invite them to events, to hang out, or meet them where they are at (like just going over to theirs) to make sure they’re still connected in with the fun stuff, too.
Be there as much as it feels doable for you – it’s not realistic to have these deep chats all of the time. It’s important you manage your own energy and capacity as supporters. If the last chat you had with the person is still weighing on you, it’s totally ok to say you aren’t quite up to having another chat just yet. Everyone processes these things at different speeds. More of this in back to you.
Things to avoid
Making their plan your responsibility
“Why haven’t you done that yet? You told me you would” or “Well I think you should…”
Supporting someone isn’t the same as being in their shoes. Once the chat wraps up, their next steps are theirs, not yours – your role is to check in and provide support, not manage their progress or feel responsible if things don’t move in the direction you’d hoped.
Toxic positivity
“You’ll be fine!” and “Just stay positive!”
These come from a good place but can actually make someone feel like their struggles aren’t that serious. Still give hope as long as it’s genuine and specific to them, instead of generic positivity that brushes off their reality.
Promising more than you can deliver
“Don’t worry, I’ll drop everything to come and help” and “everything you tell me stays between us”
Don’t feel as though you have to be a superhero. In the moment it can be tempting to say “I’ll drop everything for you,” but it’s not realistic or sustainable all the time. You also need to look after yourself and your other commitments, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. So be honest about what you can realistically offer, whether that’s big or small, and then follow through.
It’s also important not to promise that everything they tell you will be kept a secret. Firstly, you aren’t expected to carry everything they share with you by yourself. Secondly, there are times when details need to be shared with others for their own safety, like if you have concerns about risks to themselves or to others.
Summary
The plan you create together doesn’t have to be perfect. What matters is that they feel like there’s some kind of pathway ahead of them, even just one next step. One step leads to another, and another, until things start to feel a bit more hopeful. And remember you don’t need to have all the answers, there are amazing professionals, resources, and community supports like friends & whānau you can help guide people towards.
FAQs
Should we make a plan B?
The answer to this is up to the person you are supporting to decide. If they feel good with the first plan you have made, then there might be no need to make a plan B. However, if they still feel unsure about the first plan you made together, then it might be best to come up with a plan B. Check in with them on how they feel about the first plan, and then decide whether plan B is needed after this.
Pro tip: You don’t have to re-invent the wheel with plan B. Sometimes a plan B could be as simple as letting someone else know about plan A (of course, with the consent of the person you are supporting).
They don’t want any support and aren’t interested in making a plan?
Generally people won’t be able to make changes like this unless they feel ready, and they might still need time to process everything. You’ve likely done all you can do at this point, you’ve shown them you care and have planted a seed they may want to revisit later. All you can do now is remain open and interested. Try checking in with them down the track a bit to see how things have landed, they might feel ready by then to make a plan. Something like: “all good, if you decide you want to talk more I’m here, just let me know.”
Even though it’s their decision to make, it can feel tough at your end because you want to see them in a better place, and that’s natural. Try not to force it and remember they are on their timeline, not yours.
The only exception to letting this be on their terms is if you are worried about their safety, at which point linking them with professional help is necessary.
Sometimes the big chat is enough at that time, and the chat frees up the person to come up with next steps later on – awesome.
We’re both stumped and don’t know what to do next?
Sometimes it can feel as though even coming up with one simple step is tricky. That’s normal, some big chats are complicated (that’s why we call them ‘big’) and don’t have clear solutions. Go back to basics and think about just planning for one simple next step, then making a time to catch up in a few days.
If you’re feeling super stuck, it may be time to link in other friends, family, whānau, or connect with some professional help. Read the section above for more info.
Planning is making them feel worse because it’s too much for them to think about right now. What do I do?
Seeing a way forwards can be tricky when someone is in a strong emotional state (this is because their brains are working a little differently to when they’re calm). If this is the case, don’t feel as though you have to rush into the planning stage. In that moment, it might be more important to focus on the now and hold the space with that person. You can still have an impactful big chat without making a plan, maybe it isn’t what they needed in that moment. Remember, you could always revisit this step at another point down the road if it’s needed later.
What’s the difference between a short-term and a long-term plan?
Short-term plans focus on the things close in time to us right now, while long-term plans focus on things further in the future. Try to create a plan that matches how they are feeling. This might mean only making a short-term plan, because it is too difficult for them (and maybe you!) to see further ahead at the moment. Perhaps it might be building a long-term plan, as they already know the next steps in front of them. Sometimes, a mix of both can be helpful.