Back to You
You’ve made it to the last step, and it’s one that’s often skipped. But don’t sleep on this!
The person you’re showing up for is lucky to have someone who cares as much as you do, and being there for them is no small thing (actually, it’s huge, and something the world needs a whole lot more of). Big chats can be a lot: uplifting and hopeful, or heavy and draining. So the final step is to fill your tank back up, and make sure that in looking after someone else, you haven’t left yourself behind.
This is extra important if you’re being there for more than one person, and/or showing up for someone over the long haul.
Check in with yourself
Big chats can be energising or they can take a lot out of you. Either way, take a moment to run a quick WoF on yourself before you head back out on the road and onto the next thing.
Start the check-in with a couple of simple questions: “How am I right now? What thoughts are coming up for me?” Notice if your energy, mood, or headspace has shifted since before the chat. There’s no right answer here, and no gold star for feeling one way over another. Feeling drained, flat, relieved, wired, or energised are all completely normal reactions to a big chat. Here are a few emotions to help describe how you might be feeling after a chat:
Energy
High energy, pretty good, okay, low, running on empty
Mood
Calm, drained, relieved, worried, flat, good, heavy
Headspace
Clear, scattered, still processing, calm, overwhelmed
If you want, it can also help to do a quick scan of your body, because our bodies often pick up on stuff before our brains do. Is there anywhere that feels tight or tense? If your body scan reveals you’ve basically turned into one giant knot, that tracks. We’ll work out what to do in the next section.
If you’re feeling super heavy, empty or overwhelmed then it’s extra important to prioritise your own wellbeing, especially if some of your own stuff has been triggered by the chat.
Do something for you
Now you’ve checked in with how you’re doing, the next step is to do something for yourself that matches up with how you’re feeling. This step is SO important. It’s about filling back up your cup, knowing that showing up for people can take it out of you. This is extra true when showing up for people again and again, because without taking the time to rest and re-energise, things can build up to a point of negatively affecting your own wellbeing.
So to look after yourself as well as you’ve looked after the other person, now ask yourself: what do I need right now? Maybe it’s similar to what you did before the chat – like getting outside into nature, spending time with your animals, doing some exercise, chilling with whānau. You will know what works best, based on who you are as a person and your culture and beliefs. Maybe it’s messaging a mate, having a kai, listening to music, saying a prayer or a karakia, getting in the ocean, or a guilt-free scrolling stint.
Pro tip: there’s a difference between resting and re-energising, and knowing which one you need can make the difference between actually re-filling your cup and just killing time until the next thing.
If you’re exhausted and drained, you might need rest. Something low effort that lets you just exist without any pressure. Like a nap, lying in the sun, watching Netflix. But if you’re feeling emotionally flat or heavy and need to shift that energy, you might need to re-energise. This is something to build back energy, like something creative, a run, putting on your favourite playlist.
Debriefing and getting help for yourself are also two other tools to keep up your sleeves; read more on these below.
Debriefing
Big chats can sometimes be big-time tiring and you might come away feeling drained. Sometimes taking time out for yourself isn’t enough to shake things, and you can add another layer of support in for yourself by debriefing about the chat with someone else. This means catching up with someone you trust (friend/whānau/counsellor) and sharing with them how the chat landed for you. Have a think about which parts of the chat are still sitting with you and why, and use the debrief as a place to talk these through.
When you’re debriefing, keep in mind that what was shared in the chat belongs to the other person. Debriefing is different to gossiping or venting because the focus is on how you are feeling without going into all the details of what they said (and the focus on you is actually what makes a debrief helpful). Something like “I had a big chat with someone and I’m still carrying it a bit,” which then keeps things on you instead of sharing things that aren’t yours to share.
If you’re worried about confidentiality or don’t have someone you’re comfortable sharing with, you can also try writing it down (e.g., in your notes app) or recording a voicenote to yourself.
Getting help for yourself
If resting, re-energising, or debriefing doesn’t shift the weight of a big chat, and if what you’re carrying starts to affect your sleep, mood, relationships, or ability to get through the day, it’s a sign to consider getting some support for yourself (for more info, check out the Getting Professional Help page). It takes strength and self-awareness to pick up when you need some extra help. And just like how we know when to raise professional help with someone else, we also need to practice what we preach.
It might be time to reach out to a professional if:
- The chat is still heavily on your mind days later and you can’t shake it
- It’s getting in the way of everyday life e.g., work/study, relationships, your own headspace
- Something in the chat triggered your own stuff and it’s sitting with you
- You’re feeling anxious, flat, or burnt out and can’t pinpoint why
- You’ve been showing up for someone repeatedly and it’s starting to weigh on you
- Or you just want a space to process and debrief the chat
This is extra true if you’re supporting someone over a long haul. If you’re relating to any of the bullet points, it’s worth getting honest with yourself about whether you can keep showing up to the level they need. If you’re going through your own stuff (which is more common than you’d think, and is often why we notice when others are struggling in the first place), it might be that someone else is better placed to be that person’s support right now. Although it might feel like abandoning them, it isn’t. It’s about knowing your own limits and where they’ve been reached, and connecting them with someone who does have the space to be there is going to mean they are better supported overall.
Celebrate the wins
No matter what happened, showing up for them is a huge win.
Big chats can be hard (that’s why they’re ‘big’). So it’s helpful to take time out afterwards to think about what happened. As you’re reflecting, it’s important that you aren’t too harsh on yourself. It’s easy for our brains to zoom in on the negatives, like things we would have liked to say differently. In doing so, we skip straight over the positives! This is called the negativity bias, and although it’s normal, it can leave you walking away from a great chat thinking you dropped the ball, even when you didn’t.
Instead, try to go easy on yourself, and be kind instead of critical. If a mate was in the same situation and came to you afterwards saying “I don’t think I did a good job,” you’d probably remind them of all the things they did well. So try to find those wins for yourself, too.
You could try writing out three things that went well during the big chat – the ‘wins’. Maybe it’s something you did, or said, like an awesome open-ended question, or that you asked them what they wanted to get out of the chat and then delivered. We’ll say it again: regardless of how the chat went, the biggest win is always that you showed up for them.
Close the tab
After some chats, it can be hard to fully step away. It’s normal for your mind to keep drifting back to what was said, but over time this can be draining when we’re carrying other people’s stuff alongside our own.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you also can’t refill it if you never put it down. So after the chat, it’s important to put it down as much as possible (knowing that this is harder for some chats than others). Giving your brain a clear signal that this one is done can help it actually close the tab, instead of leaving it open draining battery in the background. This could be:
- Heading out somewhere else and physically moving away from where the chat happened
- A specific task like a shower or a coffee
- Writing a quick debrief in your notes and then closing the app
- Messaging whānau or a friend about something completely unrelated to pull yourself back into your own life
- Getting stuck into something creative like writing, drawing, painting etc.
- Heading out on a bike ride, a swim, a walk or a run
- Playing one of your favourite tracks or albums
Summary
When you’re showing up for someone else, it’s important that you also show up for yourself. This step is easy to forget, but it’s what makes it possible to be there for others without burning out. So after a chat, check in with yourself and fill your cup back up – you matter just as much as they do.
FAQs
The chat didn’t go as I hoped. What now?
It can feel gutting to not get the outcome you were hoping for. The best we can say is that you probably did your best! If your top priority was caring for them, then regardless of what happened that’s a massive win because you showed that you care. Maybe even though it didn’t go as you’d hoped right now, you’ve opened the door for something else later. Finding someone to debrief with might be extra helpful here, or journalling it, or heading out on a walk to process.
What they shared made me really uncomfortable. Now I have this ‘icky’ feeling which is weighing really heavily on me.
Big chats can be tough, especially if they’re about a heavy topic, feel close to home, or you naturally take on the other person’s emotional state (some of us do this more than others). Sometimes after a chat it can feel as though the weight of the person you’re supporting weighs you down, too – no wonder you feel heavy.
Usually these things lighten with time and space to fill up your own cup. If they don’t, this feeling of being ‘weighed down’ is a really important sign that you need to take some time out for yourself. It’s important that you don’t rush back into another big chat until you have done this, and start to feel more like yourself again. If things do continue to feel ‘icky’ and you can’t seem to shake this feeling, then it is best to seek support for yourself from others or by using professional services.
What if I don’t feel anything now but it hits me two or three weeks later?
Sometimes these things can take time to process. It might even be a few weeks until things settle (wild, right?), and the emotions come up – this is more common than you might think. It’s OK, keep checking in with yourself as there’s no ‘right’ time on when, or if, we’ll experience the impact of the chat. Go back to basics, drop any judgement on how you ‘should’ be feeling, and prioritise looking after yourself.
What if I see them differently now?
It often takes a lot of courage for someone to open up in a big chat. They might be sharing things with you they’ve never shared before. It is only normal that you might see them differently, as you hadn’t yet seen that side of them before. Try to be as open and accepting as you can to seeing a different version of this person, and acknowledge that courage they had in opening up.